Quigley's Quest
by jonnyboy17
Summary: Yes sir, this story is finished. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. But keep the reviews coming, and also, be sure to read Duncan's Drama, the last part of the trilogy!
1. His Return

If you are reading this story on Fan , then you're reading about a perfect high-school student with two perfect roommates and an overall perfect life. This guy gets awesome, unspeakably great grades, has an extremely high-class social life, and lives perfectly. Every morning when his roommates wake up, his friends patiently wait for him, keeping the room tidy as possible. In class, he has a very interesting teacher, and a very good friend named Violet Baudelaire, of which they are dating.

Well, you're reading the wrong story.

My name is Duncan Quagmire, and I go to Prufrock Preparatory School with my triplet sister Isadora. Long ago, my mansion burnt down, killing my parents and triplet brother Quigley. My teacher back when, Mr. Remora, threatened to kill me and get the Quagmire Fortune, as well, as the Baudelaire Fortune, for he was working for Count Olaf.

My best friend, and secret crush, Violet Baudelaire, is here at Prufrock along with her middle-schooled brother Klaus and elementary-schooled sister Sunny. I have two roommates, Andrew and Brownley, and every morning, after they leave the dorm to go to breakfast, while I'm still in the bathroom, on account of their beating me to it, they leave the room a complete mess.

My life is not perfect, so get it right as quick as you can, because you'll need to know that to read this story. I have had one recent adventure, and it all started one lunch period. I was having lunch with Violet when an office worker came up to me. "Are you Duncan Quagmire?" she asked.

I nodded.

"This telegram is for you," she said, handing me a sheet of paper.

I read it, and almost passed out. My face turned white as a sheet, and I felt dizzy. "Duncan? Are you okay?" Violet asked. "Duncan!" She grabbed a glass of water and threw it into my face. This attracted everyone's attention.

"Oh my Lord, Quigley's alive!!" I screamed.

"Your long-lost triplet brother?" she asked. I nodded. "And he'll be coming here! I can't wait to ask him how he survived when he gets here."

"Tell him while he's still here," said a voice.

I turned around.

Standing in front of me was my long-lost brother, Quigley Quagmire.


	2. Moving In

I jumped up and practically squeezed the air out of him. He hugged me back. "What happened to you?" I asked, brushing a tear from my eye.

"It's a bit hard to explain," he said, wheezing hoarsely. "But some enemies of VFD nearly found me and I got beat up in an alley."

Isadora ran over and hugged him too. Then Klaus and Sunny came over to meet him.

He sat down between me and Violet. "You must be starving," I said. "Can we get you anything?"

He shook his head. "I'm fine. What I could use is a place to sleep. I've had to sleep in smoky arson-affected houses and in alleys and on the streets."

"You can stay in my dorm," I said. "My other roommates wouldn't care."

"Thanks, bro."

He smiled at Violet. "So Dunn, who's this?"

I suddenly remembered she was in the picture. But she hardly was. She was practically drooling at Quigley.

"Oh, this is Violet, Klaus and Sunny's older sister."

"Hey," he said, shaking her hand. "Hey," she said back.

When we got to my dorm that night, Andrew and Brownley were all over the place, eating pizza and watching TV like complete slobs.

I cleared my throat. "Eh hem," I said. They didn't look up. Andrew knuckled Brownley on the head and Brownley took off after him.

Quigley shrugged. "I guess they just ate too much pizza. I'll go unpack."

I stopped him. "Oh no. You're getting the attention you deserve."

When Andrew raced by, I stuck out my leg, tripping him into the carpet, lying in a huffing and puffing heap.

Brownley jetted his way toward him, and my fist walloped the side of his head. He tripped on the stereo cord and landed on top of Andrew.

"Hey, what gives?" he said. He pointed at Quigley. "And-are my eyes deceitfully or am I seeing two of you, Duncan?"

"We must be dizzy, that's why," Andrew answered from under him.

"He's my triplet brother, you morons. And he's staying here."

Brownley got up. He sniffed Quigley and said, "Oh man. He better not be staying in my half of the room."

"He'll stay where he wants, and if you have a problem, you can stick it up your-"

"Wait," Andrew said, standing up. "You never said you had a brother."

"We thought he was dead," I said. "It would have made no sense to say he was my brother if he was dead."

I looked at Quigley. "No offense."

"None taken," he said.

**Sorry for the delay! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, expect another one coming up soon!**


	3. The Bully

The next morning, Quigley used the shower first.

Andrew and Brownley pounded on the bathroom door, but I finally got them to stop.

Even though he used all the hot water, we didn't freeze to death. At least not to _death_.

When we got to breakfast, we met Violet, Sunny, Klaus, and Isadora.

"Hey," Violet said, giving Quigley a gooey look. He smiled back.

When Quigley and I got inline, I said, "Can you hold my spot for me? I have to use the restroom."

He nodded, and I dashed off.

Some big guy stomped over. "You wouldn't mind if I, say, I don't know-cut you?"

Quigley frowned at him. "Sorry man, but that's my brother's and my spot."

He glared down at Quigley. "Let me in, punk," he threatened, cracking his knuckles.

Isadora and I, firstborns, are somehow stronger and tougher, I mean, no offense toward Quigley. But he's more of a lover than a fighter, which can be good at times. But Isadora and the Baudelaires weren't sitting at a table near the line, so they didn't know what happened.

Before anyone in line could say or do anything, his fist boomed out from his arm and dotted Quigley hard in the face. Blood dripped down his nose and his mouth was bruised.

"Now may I cut you?" he said girly. "Or do you want some more?"

Quigley stood his ground, not willing to let him past. Everyone in line watched, but did nothing.

As the guy prepared to give Quigley an even bloodier nose, a fist shot out and walloped the side of his hard pretty darn hard. Mine.

I just got back from the restroom and some people said they saw a fight going on, but I didn't figure with my brother.

The guy wobbled quite a bit, but still managed. He swung at me, but another fist shot out and clobbered him upside-the-head too.

Isadora had arrived, along with Klaus, Sunny, and Violet.

He tried a hit at me again, but he was overpowered. Sunny grabbed someone's tray and dumped it over his head.

"Get away from my brother," Isadora said, making fists.

Sunny bared her four-still-sharp-somehow teeth, and Klaus grabbed a heavy textbook. Violet got out a rubber band and a bunch of paper hornets.

The guy backed down, but threatened to return.


	4. Lay Off

"What a jerk," I said, as we walked to class.

"I heard that bullies are really just scared inside," Quigley said, trying to lift spirits of the situation.

"Yeah, well he must be trembling in his bed to death at home," Klaus said. We all laughed.

On the way to class, the same guy rammed Quigley into a wall. He laughed and ran off.

"Are you okay?" I asked, Isadora and I helping him walk straight.

"Yeah" he rubbed the side of his face. There was a red mark.

There was a test. As soon as I left to sharpen my pencil, the guy threw a pencil at Quigley's head.

And it was sharpened.

"Ow!" Quigley grunted.

"No talking during the test," Ms. Palm said.

After class, I confronted the bully.

"Lay off my little brother," I said.

"What're you going to do about it?" he boomed.

"This." My fist whipped out and walloped the side of his head like never before. This time he practically fell to the floor.

He got up and swung at me. I ducked and grabbed his arm, and then placed my foot on his as hard as I could, and threw him into a corner of the hall.

A bunch of kids had crowded around. He stared up at me.

"Fine, I'll quit," he grumbled, rubbing his sore elbow.

Turns out, he only agreed to quit when _I _wasn't around.

At lunch, when Isadora, Violet, Klaus, Sunny and I got inline, he stayed at the table to finish his homework.

The guy stomped over and banged Quigley's head against the table hard.

Quigley tried to fight back, but it was no use. He was just born not as tough as us, which as I said before, can come in handy.

When we returned, he was rubbing his head. "Did he come again?" Isadora asked.

"Yes," he answered.

"That's it. This time I'll _really _kick his ass." Violet clapped her hands over Sunny's ears.

"There's a six-year-old at the table, Izzy," I said, frowning.

"Oops, sorry," she said.

Anyway, for the next week and a half, it was nothing but a war. Turns out the guy's name was Gory. A pretty scary name.

One day, when Quigley returned, he had a black eye.

"Jeez, what happened to you?" Brownley asked.

"Gory got me," he said coldly.

"We could get him for you," said Andrew, coming in with four Cokes.

Quigley shook his head and went to his room.


	5. I'll Teach You to Mess With Quig

I was up all night, worried about Quigley. He seemed to be a bit happy, though. Like he had a plan.

The next morning, he was wearing my clothes.

"Why are you wearing my clothes?" I asked.

"Well, we both look alike," he said. "If I wear your clothes, people will think I'm you, and if you wear my clothes, people will think you're me."

"What's the point of this?" I asked, putting on his clothes.

He grinned. "If the bully thinks you're me, then I will _supposedly _stand up to him and teach him a lesson."

"I don't like where this is going," I said, inserting a contact lens into my eye.

But it worked.

At lunch, he came over and tried to bang Quigley's-I mean my-head on the table.

But I sprung up and grabbed his hand, stomped on his foot, and tripped him over a loose banana split.

He stared up at me in surprise, as did plenty of other people. "So now what?" I said. "You thought you could pick on me. Well what if I'm stronger than you? Huh?"

I clobbered him upside the head until he screamed for mercy. He had a bloody nose somehow and his head-side was a bit bruised.

"Are you going to pick on me anymore?" I asked. "ARE YOU?"

"No!" he whimpered in fear. "Now go to your table and leave everybody alone," I ordered.

He scrambled to his feet and ran off to his table.

"Jesus, Duncan! I mean, Quigley," Klaus said. "Did you have to beat him up in the cafeteria, of all places?"

I hadn't really thought of that. But at least I'd gotten him off Quigley's back.

The next day, on the way to class, he didn't even look at Quigley. When he did, his eyes were as big as saucers.

Violet's supposed "love" for him grew every day. I mean, he's the youngest brother, and he's already been through a lot. But it still kind of made me mad when I thought about it.

Then I thought of what happened a while back here at school.

Izzy and I used to bully them, along with Nick Parsons and Erica Walker, two of which are now at a different school. My love for Violet stopped the bullying.

One day, as I was walking back to the dorm, Andrew and Brownley weren't there. I looked in our room, and I was surprised at what I saw.

Quigley and Violet were sitting on his bed, talking about what pranks to pull on Gory.

"Having a good time?" I joked.

They looked up at me. "Oh, hi Duncan," said Violet. "We're planning to give Gory hell. Want to join us?"

"I think I've had enough violence for today," I said. I was shocked to hear about Quigley seeking revenge on a bully. He's the peaceful one in our family.


	6. Busted!

The next day, I noticed something strange: Quigley and Violet were getting a bit close.

Not that it angered me a lot, but I was a bit, dare I say, _jealous_.

Gory was walking by in the cafeteria. When he was passing our table, Quigley shouted, "Now!"

Violet pulled a lever, and a bucket of oatmeal fell out of nowhere and splattered Gory. He shrieked and frantically tried to wipe the sticky substance off him.

Violet, Quigley, Klaus, Sunny, and Isadora laughed. I smiled, but not a sound escaped my lips.

Don't think Gory didn't seek revenge, though.

One day, as Quigley was alone in the hall, he attacked him and started to punch him. I was heading to the office with the daily roll sheet when I saw the fight.

"Hey!" I yelled, running over. I lifted Gory off of Quigley and slammed him Gory into a wall. "I told you to leave my brother alone you schmuck. Now lay off or I'll have to kick your-"

Quigley attempted a punch at Gory that was futile but still made a bruise, in a small, non-bloody sort of way.

Gory rubbed his mouth and raised his fist to punch Quigley. I punched Gory and he fell, slipping on the floor.

"Hey!" a teacher yelled, storming over. "What's going on here?"

"He was beating up my little brother," I said indignantly. "He was beating up _me_," Gory said, getting up. "There was a fight going on," the teacher said reluctantly. "To the office. March!"

There we were, on our way to hear bullying advice from the last person on Earth to know about anything, Vice Principal Nero.


	7. The Office Experience

When we walked in the office, VP Nero was busy mutilating violin music as always.

There were several cracked windows in his office, and several kids who were waiting so far out as even in the lobby had to plug their ears.

He grinned as we walked in. "So, how are the three _Mous_-keteers doing?" he asked stupidly. Then he roared in laughter. By himself.

If you know Nero, then you know he always laughs at his own jokes. So far, nobody's had the heart to tell him it's not cool to laugh at his own jokes, unless at least one other person was also. But this wasn't the case.

No one ever laughs _with_ him. And if anyone ever laughs, they're laughing _at _him.

He looked around, and noticed the secretary, the Lost Found Monitor, and few teachers in the office weren't laughing. He cleared his throat, and said, "Don't you think that's _funny?" _They frowned. The teachers continued pouring coffee into their mugs, the Lost Found Monitor resuming her job, and the secretary finishing her phone call.

Nero folded his arms and spat, "We'll see who's laughing when your _paycheck _statement becomes the subject of the matter. Now _that's _funny!"

The teachers, Lost Found Monitor, and the secretary pretended to laugh like crazy. One teacher even slapped his knees.

"That's better," Nero said, smirking. Then he glanced back at us and said, "Now what's the deal here?"

"They were fighting," our teacher said. "In the hallway."

"What the H-E-Double Hockey-sticks does that matter?" Nero growled. "You interrupted me in the middle of my concert and disturbed my fans who were peacefully watching."

He shot a glare back at everyone else, and they quickly turned from their work to him. "Oh yeah," they said. "We were watching, all right."

"See?" he said, turning back to the teacher. "Now take these three back to their classes and leave me alone, schmuck!"

Everyone gasped. The teacher swung at Nero with all her might. He doubled backwards and fell over a cable.

She stiffened her back and returned to class. We left, too.

"_Mous_-keteers," Gory said, smiling evilly. "That's your new nickname, Quagmire!"

"Bite me," Quigley muttered.

**A**/**N**: I hope you guys enjoyed this quite comical chapter! Expect the next one soon!


	8. The Dance

After that we really didn't hear much from Gory anymore.

But what really surprised me was how Quigley's social life completely ascended.

Once in the cafeteria, one of Carmelita's friends waved at him. He waved back.

And there was also one day I would never forget.

We were in the cafeteria right before first period, and I saw a flyer reading, DANCE ON FRIDAY, APRIL 16. PROFESSIONAL DJ, LIGHTING EFFECTS, DISCO BALL AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF. TICKETS-5.00 per person. Snacks-0.50 each.

After telling the guys we all decided to go.

In our dorm, Andrew and Brownley already had their dates picked out. I made a commitment to try and ask Violet. I practiced in front of them and they said it was good.

When Quigley got to our dorm with a DVD of The Return of the King to watch, I told him about my asking Violet.

"You are?" he said. "I was going to." I frowned. "But you're so popular now, how about asking a popular girl?"

"But I love Violet," he said, and that flicked the switch on my back.

"Why don't you ask Rhonda?" I said, trying to get him to ask someone else. "She's been crushing on you forever."

"C'mon Duncan, please?" He begged in the way that always made me and Izzy let him have his way.

Andrew said, "C'mon Dunn, let the poor guy with it."

"Yeah," Brownley said. "He's had enough trouble in his life already. Besides, you're his brother."

Unfortunately, I had to let Quigley have Violet, with an obvious score of three to one.

At the dance a girl named Nicky was smiling at me like crazy. And she didn't look too bad, either. So I asked her.

During which, there was a slow song, so there was a sow dance. I could see Quigley and Violet slow dancing together, which really put a dagger up my butt.

When Nicky and I went to get drinks, Quigley and Violet were there, too.

I did my best to ignore them, especially when Quigley went to the snack table, and Violet said, "Hi Duncan." I mumbled a "hi."

Nicky frowned. "Is she your alternate date, Duncan?"

I shook my head. "Uh uh." The less I thought about her and Quigley, the better.

Soon Violet noticed I was playing hard-to-get, and started her own game-piece. "Quigley and I are having a great time," she continued, glaring behind her smiling. "We even won the swing-dance contest. I bet you two had plenty of fun."

"Oh yeah," I said, giving her an I-know-what-you're-doing-so-might-as-well-give-it-up look. "Nicky took dancing school when she was younger, so we've won a contest too."

When Quigley came back, he stared at me and Nicky. Then he took Violet by the arm and they went back onto the dance floor.

"C'mon Nicky, we've a contest to win," I said, taking her by the arm and leading her onto the dance floor.

There was a second swing-dance contest. Nicky and I challenged Violet and Quigley. They accepted.

"All right, ya'll," said the dance host. "The winners go first. And your names are-?" He pointed the microphone at Violet and Quigley. "Violet and Quigley," they said.

He then pointed the mike at us. "And your names?"

We told him ours, and Violet and Quigley began. Quigley bent over, and Violet placed her hands firmly on his back, and she jumped over him, legs wide apart. Then they began to swing like hippies from the 70s.

All of a sudden, Violet fell and as she put down her hand to break her fall, there was a loud snapping noise.

She screamed. Her wrist broke. Quigley cried, "Oh my Lord! Somebody help her!"

My first thought was, help her yourself, dumb butt. Then Klaus and Isadora dashed out of the crowd of staring kids, they were apparently going together, and Klaus had bandage wrapping. He wrapped her wrist and helped her up.

Isadora, Klaus, Quigley and Violet then disappeared into the crowd, heading for the dorms.

My mouth had fallen open, and I was completely stunned. "Well," said the dance host, "they obviously forfeited, so I guess you two are the champions!" He then handed us a titanium trophy.

Nicky squealed with joy as she snatched it. "Can I keep it, Duncan, please?" she begged.

"Go ahead, I don't care," I mumbled.

She then skipped off, showing her friends the trophy.

I reluctantly headed off to the dorms.

Andrew and Brownley were listening to Quigley describe the situation. My presence was announced when I said, "Where were you two when it happened? Weren't you even around?"

Andrew and Brownley smiled at each other, and said, "We had some _business _to attend to." But anyway" Brownley started.

Quigley didn't let him finish. "Where were _you_, Duncan?" he demanded. "All you did was stare with your mouth hanging open."

"I was too stunned to even move," I protested, though it didn't keep me on the clean side of the dishwasher.

"And anyway," Quigley said, continuing his story as if I hadn't spoken, "The extremely gothic school nurse made such a fuss over Klaus's wrapping it himself. 'Don't your teachers teach you to have common sense?' she said, examining her black fingernails. 'No,' Klaus said, 'they teach us to be Goths like you.'

Andrew and Brownley cracked up at that. "She got so mad," Quigley said, cracking smiles himself, "she started screaming at Klaus about how to keep his grubby hands off medical tools unless he himself was a doctor. Klaus told her that he was a male nurse, just like her."

After that I grabbed a Coke and turned on The Return of the King. Gollum was just biting off Frodo's finger and less than a minute later, fell into the cracks of Mount Doom, along with the ring. Aragorn became king, Legolas moved on, Frodo and Sam helped Bilbo make it onto the dock (though I think he was killed later) and after which I decided to end this chapter in my journal.


	9. OMG, Carmy's a drugdealer!

The next day (I won't even describe my waking hours, they were frightening), in the cafeteria, Quigley was still telling the story about Klaus and the gothic nurse.

Having heard it in my sleep (I'm not exaggerating), I tuned it out and stared at the raw splint on her arm. "So, when do you get a cast?" I asked.

She turned to me. "At lunch Mr. Poe will pick me up, drive me to a doctor, and get this frickin' splint off, and finally get a cast. I don't look exactly forward to it, but at least it won't itch as bad as the splint."

"How do you know it won't itch?" I said. She opened her mouth to talk, but Sunny said, "Shenos!"

Violet translated it to, "She would know, she always had injuries from a lot of her crazy experiments."

"Like the time she tried to make rocket fuel to blow herself to the moon," Klaus started. Violet elbowed him with her other arm, and Quigley laughed like he was part of their family, as if he knew the rest of the story.

Klaus continued, "So she put a container under her shoes while she was standing in the backyard, and lit a fire near the container, and the fire combined with the flammable liquid, and burned the bottoms clear off her shoes!"

We all laughed.

"And Mom and Dad yelled at her for not only wrecking sixty dollar shoes, but also for setting the entire yard on fire!"

Quigley's milk squirted out of his nose, and we all groaned.

As I went to return my tray, Carmelita was selling cocaine. "Hey, that's illegal!" I yelled. A teacher hurried over, grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her to the office.

I heard all VP Nero said was, "Look at the school rules poster-As long as a student does not hurt another student or teacher, their possessions or actions are vulnerable."

I also heard the teacher punched Carmelita out, and called the police on Carmelita.

Violet said we should all go visit her, though she was our enemy, she deserved visitation. "Selling drugs is illegal without proper authorization (and is wrong, anyway at all) and her operation was completely unsanitary!" I cried.

We were forced to go. The Elmwood City Jail is not a haven, believe me. The officers smoked, talked on the phones, or gave anyone who walked through the sliding doors (who the heck would have sliding doors for a police department?) evil looks.

"We're looking for the cell of Carmelita Jacqueline Spats," Violet told an officer. He shook his head. "Sorry kid, but visiting hours are twelve am through twelve o' one am. In other words, NO VISITING!"

"You bastard, let us in!" Quigley cried.

"Sorry weasel, but I just said what I said. Now beat it." Then he pulled out a baton and flicked it at Quigley. I grabbed the officer's legs and tugged with all my might till he came down with a crash.

We dashed over the gate-rope thingamabob and ran into the prison rooms.


	10. This Is So Weird

The prison rooms were damp and filthy. Klaus put a hanky over his nose, Isadora took a few puffs on her inhaler (she has asthma), Violet squinted at several spiders scurrying in corners, and Quigley shuddered at the coldness.

We were walking about twenty minutes when we found Carmelita sitting in a cell, fighting with two older men with stubble and greasy hair.

She stared at us as we approached. "Cakesniffers!" she yelled. "What're you doing here?"

One of the men in the bunk above her said, "What's a "cakesniffer?"

We shrugged.

The other man said, "She's been calling us that for hours. I'm telling you, anybody with a last name of _Spats _has to be cracked."

"I heard that, dipstick!" Carmelita cried, tossing her purse at one of the men.

The man smiled. "I hear you're rich, girl. Why not have your daddy come get you out?" He and the other man threw their heads back and laughed. Carmelita grimaced. "I'm at a boarding school over a thousand miles from home."

"Aw, poor baby," a man said, laughing.

Carmelita yelled, "Give me back my purse!"

The man tossed it to the other man in the bunk above her. "Keep-away!" he cried. "I _love _this game!"

Carmelita said, "If you give it back, I'll give you twenty dollars each."

The men laughed harder. "Why not keep it and have it _all!"_

A guard passing glared at us. "You heard the man at the door. Visiting hours are twelve am through twelve o' one am."

"That's when the prisoners are asleep," Isadora said. "Exactly," said the guard. "But you have five minutes."

Then he left. "Wait!" Carmelita cried. "These men are stealing my purse!"

The guard banged his baton against the cell door. The man holding it frowned and threw it to the floor.

The guard took it and left. "But that's mine!" Carmelita said. "Give it back!"

"You're so spoiled," the guard said. "In prison all belongings temporarily belong to the police."

"How long is _temporarily?" _Carmelita asked. "In your case, ten years," the guard replied, walking off.

The men glared at Carmelita. "Brat!" they yelled. "You spoiled our game! We were going to give you your damn purse back!"

"No you weren't!" Carmy yelled.

"Get her!" the man in the bunk yelled. He jumped out of his bed and grabbed Carmelita, wrestling her to the ground. Then the other man and he started hitting her.

We left, not really caring, but decided to somehow get Carmelita out of jail. Not illegally, but convince the jury she thought she was just selling powdered sugar. Quigley's idea, not mine.


	11. Quigley's PlanAnd Fantasy World

Later, when Violet and I were able to talk in private at her dorm, I told her Quigley's ridiculous plan.

She laughed. "That Quigley, he's a real character."

Puzzled, I raised my eyebrows. If what was happening was what I thought was happening, then something funny was going on.

"What do you mean _character_?" I asked. "I thought he was your boyfriend."

She frowned at me. "What are you talking about?" she asked. "We never…_oh_, look Duncan; it's not what you think it is."

I nodded. "Yes it is. I've always seen you give Quigley the eye and all."

Violet sighed. "Duncan, Quigley's been through a lot. He needs a shoulder. I mean, his parents dead, having lived on the streets, being beaten up in an alley, all that stuff. I'm just consoling him. You believe me, don't you?"

Still puzzled, I looked away.

She touched my cheek and made eye contact with me. "Duncan, look at me. I know you've always liked me over the years."

I was shocked. How could she have known? Couldn't she have thought all I'd done in the past few years was just horseplay? But then again, of course she would know.

"And," she continued, resting her head on my shoulder, "I love you too."

My ears tingled. Could I be hearing what I thought I was hearing? Was it possible? Or…

It wasn't. When I snapped back to reality, I was hiding behind a tree, watching Quigley and Violet embrace each other.

My eyebrows tightened and I sighed. I was off in Fantasy World again.

Fantasy World's a place I always go to in my head when I'm bored. I grinned. My daydreaming was famous for lifting me from reality to fantasy.

I looked at my watch. It was six o' clock. Time for dinner. I snuck behind some bushes and crawled off toward some thick trees, then took off for the school building so Violet and Quigley wouldn't see me.

When I got my dinner, garlic bread and fettuccini alfredo, I plopped down beside Isadora, Klaus and Sunny. "Where've you been all day?" Isadora asked.

I wasn't about to say, "Spying on Violet and Quigley" so I lied.

Lying is far behind my personality. I usually save my best lies and general lying for emergencies. But knowing Izzy, and the rest of my family, they'll leave you alone if you settle for a mere shrug.

So I shrugged.

Klaus said, "Did you hear? VP Nero found out Carmelita was in jail and do you know what he did? He said, 'Good for her. Now stop bothering me so I can get back to work.'" He, Isadora, and even Sunny giggled.

"Nero wouldn't care if Carmelita was executed," I said. Then we all laughed our heads off. Not literally, of course!

After dinner, I was heading back to my dorm to take on Andrew and Brownley in Need for Speed: Underground 2 when I heard soft whispering.

I ducked behind a nearby tree. It was Violet and Quigley, of course. I didn't really bother to listen, until Violet let out a muffled "Duncan." Then I reconsidered, straining my ears to hear.

Quigley said, "I was just kidding with him. But maybe we could make some legal testify on Carmelita." Violet groaned. "Quigley, don't you pay attention in social studies? Mr. Harlow keeps telling us the only way to make a legal testify is to have legitimate evidence regarding the person's whereabouts and notion."

I couldn't resist giggling. Violet usually paid plenty of attention in social studies and science, but it never occurred to me she might actually find interest in law.

Quigley looked in my direction. Thank goodness it was dark for he turned back to Violet. Then he pulled something out. A textbook. A history textbook, I could tell, because the cover glinted in the moonlight.

I could hear him turning pages and he pulled out a flashlight and directed it at the pages. He set the book down on a stump and focused. At last, he said, "Here it is. There's your evidence, Judge Baudelaire."

I heard Violet murmuring something from the book and finally said, "Aha! That may be what that judge thought in 1864 but our city judge's name is Mortimer Kennard, not Pushover Puppet."

"But here's my plan," he said. "Carmelita would be happy to be out of jail, so she'd agree with what we say. We could say that she didn't know it was cocaine, that she thought it was grayish powdered sugar."

"How could powdered sugar by gray?" Violet argued. "Unless she smuggled it from the cafeteria kitchen…" They burst out laughing.

Quigley finally said, "I'll talk to you tomorrow…with more details. Right now I'm heading back to my dorm. Dunn and Andy and Brown must be expecting me for some video games."

Then I heard him quickly crashing through behind me. I flopped down on my belly and lay flat. He walked by without seeing me.

Then I ran back the quicker way to the dorm building. I luckily made it up to the room before he started down our hall.

Andrew said, "Where've you been?" "You're not the first to ask," I answered. "There're some Cokes in the fridge," Brownley said. "I call first game."

Seconds later there was knocking on the door. I opened it and Quigley rubbed his feet on the mat. Then he flopped down on the couch.

**A**/**N: Oh my gosh you guys; I am the worst author ever! I haven't updated in forever! I've been really busy lately. Over spring break, two weeks ago, my relatives visited. Then over the past two weeks I've been juggling social studies homework, science homework, a character analysis paper on the book Eragon, and math homework plus language arts HW. I'm really sorry. I hope this doesn't happen again.**


	12. The Prank

The next day, when I woke up, I completely freaked out.

Andrew, Brownley, and Quigley had left without me.

I'd slept in an hour late. I sprinted into the bathroom, showered, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and got dressed.

As soon as I stepped out the door I heard snickering. I pulled the door back to reveal Brownley, Quigley, and Andrew laughing their heads off.

Andrew stumbled out laughing. "We got you _good_!" he cried. "We set your clock forward an hour! It's only seven o' clock!"

I slapped him, and the silly grin on his face turned into a frozen, silenced stun. "Whose idea was it?" I yelled. "'Cause whoever it was is going to pay big time."

Andrew and Brownley pointed at Quigley. He smiled sheepishly. "Just a little friendly brother prank," he said, draping an arm around me. I scowled.

"You guys are retarded," I said, walking out the door and slamming it behind me.

The noise was so loud a chubby boy waddled out his door. "Shut up over there!" he shouted. "It's an hour till school starts for Pete's sake!"

My fist crumpled, smacking the side of his head. He stumbled and fell backwards inside his room. Regardless of who heard, I draped my schoolbag over my shoulder and headed down to the cafeteria.

Surprisingly, Andrew, Brownley and Quigley were already down there. I went up to the line and selected a sausage egg biscuit with undercooked sausage, almost pitch-black egg and crumbly bread.

Andrew said, "Why are you eating that crap? Wait 'til breakfast starts."

I ignored him.

Brownley said, "We can sneak off campus and go get some real breakfast. I stole the keys to dorm manager Qwerty's car."

I said, "Good for you." Quigley asked, "Are you okay?"

I bolted up. "No I'm not okay. Know why? Three jerks made me get up an hour early nearly giving me a heart attack in an attempt to be funny and you wonder if I'm _okay?" _

Then I totally lost it. The first person that stepped inside the cafeteria I threw the biscuit at. It was the vice principal himself, Nero the Magnificent.

"What the heck?" He hurled it at the ground. Then he glared up at me. "Quagmire!" he yelled. "See me in my office immediately!"

I could have stayed put, challenge him. My parents were dead, I had no guardian. The school was my guardian. But I followed him.

In his office, he said, "Do I look like a target to you, Quagmire? Do I?"

Fine time for him to start taking his job seriously, the old idiot. I thought any minute now he'd bust out laughing. But he didn't, and things didn't get any better.

"Yes," I said. "In fact, I was aiming for your eye. Don't they always say to aim for a bull's eye?"

"Don't be stupid with me, boy!" he roared. "I've enough trouble without your sassy mouth!"

"And I've enough trouble without your ironic personality!" I yelled back. "All your life you've never taken your job seriously. So what's so important? Did you finally get a rabies shot?"

Nero went crazy. He whirled like a mad tornado, hurling papers and folders everywhere. Then he turned back to me. "Do you want me to call your parents?" he gnashed. "Permanently remove you and your records from this school?"

"My parents are dead!" I screamed, my eyes welling up with tears. "We keep telling you, and all you do is stick a needle through your ears! All you care about is being paid for your job! You don't understand me or anybody else! You don't know anyone in this school, or care what happens to them! Did you know that Carmelita Spats was recently jailed and all you said to the informant was, 'Good for her. Now stop bothering me so I can get back to my work.' You wouldn't care if everyone was murdered in the middle of the night! The only thing you care about is your monthly salary!"

Nero's ears sort of wiggled. A teacher walked by, and he ordered, "Bring me the file of Carmelita Spats."

Seconds later, she thrust a fat binder into his lap. He skimmed through it. Then he looked back up at me.

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it," he snapped. But his voice shook, and I knew there was a lump in his throat filled with concern. "It's eight fifteen. Go to the secretary and she'll give you a hall pass."

The secretary gave me a light purple hall pass, and I headed down the sets of halls toward my first-period class.

Halfway there, a hall monitor stopped me. "Where's your hall pass?" he growled. I shook it in his face. "Now let me go. I'm late for class."

I shoved past him and hurried down the hall. "Stop!" he yelled. "I have to sign the hall pass!"

I kept running. A hall monitor swooped in out of nowhere and wrestled me to the ground. "Let me go!" I yelled. The hall monitor refused.

I sported a wrestling move I learned when I was younger called the half-nelson. I was on my feet in no time.

When I finally made it to class, I showed the teacher the hall pass. "A hall monitor was supposed to sign it," he said. I groaned.

"Just hurry up and take a seat," Mr. Harlow said quickly. "You can slide this time."


	13. Alternate Reality

This story is slowly coming to an end, and things are getting much more dramatic.

When I returned to the dorm later after school, Andrew, Quigley and Brownley refused to look at me. Brownley let out a muffled, "There're Cokes in the fridge."

I didn't even notice it was on until the stereo blasted a loud:

_I walk a lonely road_

_The only that I have ever known…_

I switched off the stereo in a flash. That got their attention.

Usually I like Green Day. Boulevard of Broken Dreams is one of my favorite songs, but I was in no mood for music.

Andrew blared, "What'd you do that for, Dumbcan?" I whirled around. "What did you call me?" I snapped.

Andrew, Brownley, and eventually Quigley have learned not to mess with me. If they call me an offensive name or talk about me, I find out, and they get a wakeup call. Normally I don't get mad over a stupid word like Dumb-can, especially from Andrew. But I did.

"You heard me," he sneered. "Dumb-can Ragmire." I expected Quigley to take offense at Andrew's dissing our last name. But he and Brownley kept their eyes glued to the TV.

I reared my fist back, but it relaxed when a knock on the door emitted loudly.

I answered it. It was Violet. "Can I talk to you?" she asked. "Yeah, sure," I said, shutting the door behind us.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked. I shifted backwards, a frown forming on my face. "What're you talking about?" I asked. "They're the ones who pulled the stupidest prank of all time on me making me get up an hour early, making me get in trouble with Nero, IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT!"

Down the hallway people popped their heads out the doors and craned awkwardly, then shoving back inside and shutting the door.

Violet stared at me. "What are _you _talking about?" she asked. "Just turning off Green Day like that. Luckily I have it on my i-Pod. She gave me an earpiece and cranked up 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams.' I stared at her. "All this just because of a stupid song?" I asked.

She glared at me. "JUST A STUPID SONG!" she yelled. "You want a stupid song, here's one!"

Before I could even ask, with the flick of a few buttons, a booming voice emitted,

_Don't want to be an American Idiot_

_Don't want a nation to judge the new media_

It went something like that. I couldn't tell. But I hated that song, and I blurted out the most random thing possible.

"We're all in an alternate reality, aren't we?" I stated. "Either this is a dream or we've all been doomed to eternal craziness and solitary confinement."

She gave me a weird look. "Are you okay?" she said. I stared at her. "What kind of question is that?" I asked.

"You passed out," she said. I gave her a dull look. "If I passed out, I'd be speaking gibberish," I said.

Soon, my lips were flapping like crazy, and my tongue was squirming wildly. "Buh bah bobba hoje lokitr efgik effd bigfgg…"

Suddenly, my eyes wet, and they opened painfully. In a blur, Violet was standing over me, staring, listening to her i-Pod. Uniformed men with writing saying VFD with heavy equipment were scurrying about, leaving the building. Outside a fire truck took off down the street.

I could hear the whispering: "I swear, he's a Quagmire," "If he sees us, he'll ask…"

How'd these guys know my name? And what would I ask?

All of a sudden, I noticed an eye on one of the men's helmets as he sprinted by.

Then it came to me. VFD-Volunteer Fire…

"Wait!" I screamed, scrambling to my feet and taking off after one of them. "Where is your headquarters? Are my parents alive? What does VFD stand for?"

Violet and Quigley held me back. "Let me go!" I screamed, a lump filling my throat, making it somewhat bulge. "I have to know! Let me go! VFD! 'The world is quiet here'!"

An officer stopped. He turned to address me. "I was afraid of this," he muttered. "What does VFD stand for?" I asked. The man stared. "Say what?" he said.

"Don't give me that bull-" I wasn't able to finish. My voice cracked, and I couldn't talk.

The man stroked his mustache. "I'm sorry son, but we're the OFD, not this VFD you seek." "Don't lie to me!" I screamed, my throat descending blood. "Where are my parents?"

The man stared. "Son, you passed out and we revived you. Our work here is done." He sported a helmet with the initials O.F.D. on it.

"Where'd the VFD go?" I asked. The man frowned. "They left. We're done."

I smiled, somehow. I knew he was lying to cover up the truth. "What does VFD stand for?"

"Volunteer Fire-" Before he finished, Quigley knocked him off his feet and the man tumbled backwards, smashing into a corner full of boxes.

"We do not acquire your services, sir," Quigley said quickly. "You may leave now."

The man yelped and ran from the room. Before he left, he screamed, "I know you, Duncan Quagmire!"

Before I could say anything, Isadora ran into the room. "Duncan, are you okay? You passed out in the cafeteria, you fell backwards and hit your head hard…"

She handed me a pocket mirror. There was a gash across my forehead. "Duncan, we need to tell you something," Violet said, looking at Quigley. He nodded.

"We're going to get Carmelita out," he said. I frowned. "What're you talking about? Get her out of the office?"

Klaus, who magically appeared out of nowhere, slapped his palm to his forehead. "No, Duncan," he said. "Get her out of jail. She was packing cocaine, remember?"

"Oh," I said, as my memory returned. "Well, what do we do?"

"We hired an attorney," Isadora said. "It was all Quigley's idea. We learned that Carmelita didn't know it was cocaine. She thought it was powdered sugar."

I laughed. Carmelita couldn't tell cocaine from sugar.

Quigley blushed. "Look, we're serious. She shouldn't even be in jail, or even juvenile. She's innocent. We need to let the court see that at the hearing tomorrow."

"What hearing?" I asked.

Violet said, "There's a hearing on her case. The lawyer we hired, Waldo, will try to show the court that she didn't mean anything. Are you in?"

I nodded. "Good," Quigley said.

**You guys, I am so sorry! I haven't updated in almost two months! Like I said before, I've been juggling assignments like crazy. Please forgive me! So, I promise there will be more adventure and interesting events! Not that this wasn't, of course. But you know what I mean.**


	14. Meeting with Waldo

A date was set, and we got permission from V.P. Nero to meet Waldo, the lawyer we hired, at a restaurant during lunch period.

"I still don't get it," Nero said. "Where could you kids get the money to hire a lawyer?"

Isadora nudged me the same time Violet nudged Klaus, and we held out our wallets.

Nero found a rather pleasant time looking through mine. "A driver's license, an I.D., three hundred dollars, game cards from Disney World, cell phone number, brother's cell phone number, sister's cell phone number, older Baudelaire girl's cell phone number, ooh! A phone number book! There's one for some girl named Brielle, Ashley, Gwen, Elaine…And pictures, too!"

"Gimme that!" I snapped. I grabbed it away and put it back in my rear pocket. Klaus did the same, and we went outside.

Then Quigley's cell phone started ringing. He answered. "Oh, hello, Waldo! You already made the reservations? Okay. Under the name Waldo, right? Okay. We'll meet you there in about twenty minutes."

He hung up and put it back in his pocket. Then when we were outside the courtyard of the school, Violet flagged a taxi. Actually, she whistled.

A yellow one with black checkers came screeching up to the curb. We got in, and the driver said, "Where to?"

Quigley gave him the address of the fancy restaurant we were off to, and after twenty minutes of driving, we arrived.

We found Waldo sitting at a large booth, sipping a glass of lemonade. "Hello, children," he said. "After we order, there're some very important things you need to know."

The waitress came by. I ordered spaghetti with meatballs and so did Klaus and Isadora. Sunny ordered a rib-eye steak, Violet and Quigley ordered God-knows-what, and Waldo had a parmesan chicken with spaghetti and marinara sauce.

"So talk," Quigley said, after the waitress left. Waldo coughed into a handkerchief, and for some reason, Violet, Klaus and Sunny smiled at each other.

"Now," Waldo said, "first thing you need to know is, Carmelita's parents are offering a reward if you kids get her out."

"How big?" I asked. Waldo frowned. "You kids never thought she was poor or anything did you?" "No, no," I said. "But she was always bragging that she had everything in the world. But we always thought she was just a brat who liked to make fun of people, and she was just bluffing."

Waldo coughed again, and said, "I don't know about _everything _in the world, but pretty heck close. Do you know how rich her family is?"

We all shrugged. I guess I was never really interested in the financial welfare of Carmelita Spats, and I could probably say the same for Isadora and the Baudelaires. But Quigley-I just didn't know.

Waldo leaned in. "Her family _owns _Prufrock Preparatory School," he said, as serious as I thought he could get.

Klaus started choking on an ice cube. Isadora launched a choke a mile-wide, and Violet's eyes froze. Sunny stopped chewing her ice, and I thought I would pass out.

"So it's all true," I whispered. "All those times she said she could do whatever she wanted because her family owned the school-it's true."

"And a lot more," Waldo said. "Her parents own the golf course downtown, an entire hotel branch, a Fortune 500 company, a hospital, a dental hygiene center, and did I mention Mulctuary Money Management?"

"No," Violet said. "No way." "Way," Waldo said. "Way more than that as well, but I can't say them all. They want their child and successor to have a very good education so they can pass down the line of business to her. Do you really want to know how big the reward is?"

"Tell us," Quigley said. "Sixty _billion _dollars," Waldo said.

Klaus's face crumbled, as did Isadora's and mine. Violet's face drained of color, Sunny's mouth fell open and plenty of ice fell out, and Quigley jumped a foot off his seat.

Then he started laughing. Like a maniac.

"You are _so _funny!" he cried. "_Sixty billion dollars _as reward! No way!"

"Way," Waldo said. Then Quigley stopped laughing. "You're serious?"

"It's what I live for, son," Waldo said, as our food came.

After we ate and made our dessert orders, Waldo said, "I'm dead serious, kids. Don't believe me?"

"We believe you," I said. "We're just surprised at the amount."

"Carmelita was not kidding about all the things she said," Waldo said. "Sure, she may be spoiled, but she doesn't lie." After dessert, Waldo said, "There's another trial next week, and hopefully, it'll be the last. But that's up to you kids."

He paid the bill, stood and put on his jacket. "Remember, kids," he said. "It's sixty billion dollars. You can end the case and get the money, or just let your childhood enemy suffer the horror of prison. Goodbye."

He left, and we took a taxi back to school.


	15. The Great News

We returned to school, and after classes ended, we retreated back to our dorms.

Andrew and Brownley were watching Forrest Gump. Brownley tossed me a Coke. Quigley was already heading out.

"Where you going?" I asked. He turned. "To ask Violet to the dance."

Did I hear right? And what dance was he talking about? Quigley just walked out, and shut the door.

I turned to the Movie Muggers. "What dance was he talking about?" "Hello!" Andrew said, pausing the movie and looking up at me. "It's been all over campus? Where have _you _been?"

I wasn't about to tell my roommate that I didn't look at the Event Bulletin Board, so I just said, "I forgot."

Andrew shrugged. "Whatever. So, who're you taking?"

I had never thought about who I'd take to a dance. My first inclination was to take Violet, but _nooo_; Mr. I'll-go-steal-my-brother's-crush had already got her into his force field.

I'd always wondered how he'd done it. Even when we were young, every female adult walking by would stop to pinch his cheeks. It irritated me. It really did.

But I realized I hadn't answered Andrew, so I just said, "Uh, still looking. Going to go buy a bribery gift. See you in about an hour?"

I stuffed the dorm key in my pocket, and went downstairs, then out the door, across the lawn, and to a vending machine. I bought a couple Snickers and went straight to Violet's dorm.

She shared the dorm with Guess Who? My sister.

Now Izzy, I love her and all, but she can be a huge eavesdropper sometimes. Especially when it's stuff I really don't want other people to know about.

After knocking, who should answer but her? "Hey, Duncan, what're you doing here?" she asked. "Is Violet here?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, but I can't let you in." "Why not?" I asked. "Is she changing?"

"No," Izzy replied. "She's asleep." Izzy started to shut the door, but I knew it was time to put my secret weapon, or should I say weapon_s _to work.

I grabbed the door and pulled out one of the Snickers bars. That's the kind Isadora loves the most. She'll do most anything if you give her Snickers.

Izzy glanced at the chocolate bar, then at me, and then back at them. She sighed, said, "All right," and took the bar. She let me in, and headed for what you might call the living room.

"Uh uh _uh,_" I said. "_You _have to leave." Izzy's eyes widened about an inch. "Duncan Quagmire!" she exclaimed. "Violet is only a-"

"I know!" I said. "I'm going to-you know. Here." I pulled out the other bar and handed it to her. She looked at it, swiped it and left.

I looked all over the dorm until I found Violet's room. Sure enough, she was spaced out on her bed, sleeping away time.

I walked over and gently tapped her on the shoulder. She half-opened her eyes. "Quigley? That you?"

"No," I said. "It's Duncan." She fully opened her eyes and sat up. "Oh, hello. Do you need something?"

"Well, do you know about the dance coming up?" I asked. She nodded. "Has anyone asked you?" I asked. She thought for a moment. "Well, Quigley came by about fifteen minutes ago. He was saying something about the dance, but then he left. He didn't really _say_ anything in particular."

Good! Good! Things were going great so far. Violet glanced up at me. "So, what? Are you going to ask me, or just leave me hanging?"

I couldn't believe my ears. I mean, I could, but I couldn't, at the same time. It seemed like Violet wanted to be asked by just anyone, but that could include me, right? But the way she looked at me, man, I'd kill for that kind of look any day.

I opened my mouth to speak, but Violet stood, facing me. "Look at me," she said. "Are you going to ask me or what?"

My mouth fell to pieces as I said, "Will you go to the dance with me?" Violet smiled and stretched. Then she said, "There, was that so hard? And yes, I'll go with you, Duncan."

My heart was leaping like a lizard being chased by a lion. "Really?" She nodded. "So, I'll see you later."

I nodded and went outside.

On the way back to my dorm, I did five handsprings, three cartwheels, and seven back-flips.


	16. A Terrible Night

That night, when Quigley returned, Andrew, Brownley and I were parked on the couches.

Brownley looked up at him. "So, how was your evening? How'd it go?" "Terrible," Quigley said. "At dinner, Gory spilled meatloaf on me, on purpose. Then I couldn't find you guys anywhere in the cafeteria, so I snuck off campus to a Dairy Queen. Those suckers ripped me off, and on the way back, Nero caught me. He said if I try another stunt like that again, I'll be expelled. How 'bout you guys?"

"Well, I'm taking Michelle to the dance," Brownley said. He pulled out a picture of her and showed it to us. "She's pretty hot," I said. "I'm taking Violet."

Quigley kept looking at the picture, and then his head jerked in my direction. "What…did you…just say…?"

Andrew laughed. "You sound like that Stevie guy off Malcolm in the Middle-he's always panting and ranting!"

"I said I'm taking Violet," I said. Then I looked at him. "That's not a problem, is it?" "No, no," Quigley said quickly. "It's not a problem at all."

"It's nothing personal, Quigley," I said, patting his shoulder. "But I don't like to go to dateless, and think of who you could take?"

Quigley shrugged. Brownley stuck the picture back in his wallet, and said, "You could take…Loretta!" "Who?" Quigley asked. "Loretta," Brownley said. "She's this girl really into cartography. She's in my third period. I'll try and set you up."

"Okay," Quigley said, looking at me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the dance, I was dressed in some of my best party clothes, and Violet was there, dressed in a skirt and baby blue blouse. Try saying that four times as fast as you can!

"Hi," I said. "Hi," she said. She walked over, and said, "I wonder where Quigley is?"

I shrugged. Then I pointed over to him. He was standing with Loretta, drinking punch and eating cookies.

I said, "Shall we dance?" 'You bet!" Violet said. We went onto the dance floor, and I started doing the robot. She laughed. "Where'd you learn to dance like that?" she asked. "School," I said. She laughed a second time.

After some snacks, more dancing, and more dancing, we went outside for a walk around the campus.

We stopped at a bench and sat down. "So," I said. "Do you like Quigley or me?" She turned her head and stared at me. "Are you asking me _that_?"

I nodded. Violet put her hand to her forehead. "Oh Lord, don't put me in this corner, please! I beg you, don't." "But I _have _to know!" I said. Violet looked back at me. "If you had to know, so would Quigley."

"I'd be more than happy to tell him myself," I said. "I like both of you," Violet said. She looked at her watch and said, "Whoa, it's late. I'd better be heading back."

She walked back to her dorm, leaving me thinking. But I returned back inside and poured myself another cup of punch. I sense someone standing behind me, so I turn around to see Quigley standing there fuming.

I had no idea why he was so mad, so I asked him. "Are you okay?" I asked. "No," he snapped. "How come?" I said. There was a long pause, so I figured it was the end-of-discussion pause, and turned to leave.

Quigley grabbed my shoulder and whirled me around. "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!" he shouted. Some kids standing near us turned to look, but returned to their own thing.

"What are you trying to say?" I said quickly. "I can't stand here all day, you know." "Where're you taking that drink?" Quigley said sharply. "Into my throat, I'm parched."

"Oh, really?" Quigley's voice was beginning to rise. I was deadly hoping it wouldn't be the Violet fight, but against my fortune, that's what it was. "Or maybe you're going to take it to Violet, my woman, and of whom you stole from me for the dance."

I groaned. "Quigley, she doesn't belong to anyone, and she chose to go with me. If she wanted to go with you, she would have gone when you asked her. Didn't you?"

There was another long pause, so I figured this time it might be okay to leave. But according to Quigley, it apparently wasn't. His fist shot out and whipped across my face with all its might.

It didn't hurt _that _bad, but I was bleeding from the mouth. People were starting to look on, but even though he was my brother, he'd thrown the first punch; therefore I had to eventually show him whose boss.

I mean, it's kind of mean to hit your brother like that, especially when the mature thing to do was wash the blood off your face and walk away, but people were looking at me and laughing, so I couldn't just walk away; I mean, I'm not that high on the popularity scale, but at least I had social awareness, and I couldn't risk that, even when it wasn't a fair fight.

So you know what I did? Guess. A-walk away and do the mature thing. B-grab the nearest squirt-gun, fill it with punch and drench the nearest person laughing. C-hit Quigley back. D-grab Quigley's head and dunk it in the huge bucket of punch for twenty seconds.

If you guessed C, I'm afraid you're correct. I can't say Quigley's bruise looked as minor as mine. Instead, there was a small gash aside his bottom lip, with blood streaming from it.

Then I noticed everyone had stopped dancing and had stared at me. Everyone; Isadora, Klaus, Sunny, and Violet was standing there with her hand over her mouth. I had no idea why she was back.

VP Nero walked up, as if he was the person I wanted to see most. He looked at me, then Quigley, then patted my shoulder. "It takes a real man to fight back," he said.

I don't know why I did it, but I socked the loser in the stomach as hard as I could, then run from the gym. In fact, I ran from the campus.

When I reached the sidewalk, I pulled off my coat and threw it into the street. A passing truck ran over, leaving it nothing but a pile of black splinters. Then I pulled off my shirt and tossed it into the street as well. I started to unzip my pants as well, but decided against it. Even Nero wouldn't support destruction of fine dress pants.

So I walked shirtless back to my dorm. Andrew and Brownley were playing who-knows-what. Andrew glanced up at me, and a sly grin came to his face. "Wow, way to go, Duncan!" he congratulated. "I didn't think you'd do it, but you did."

"Shut up, I did nothing," I snapped, and headed for my bed to sleep away my madness.


	17. The Plan

Before you knew it, it was Monday again. Quigley and I apologized, and we were all in Izzy and Violet's dorm, trying to figure out what to do to get Carmelita out of jail.

You know how you're just sitting around one day, and a random idea pops into your head? That's what happened to me. I was surprised at myself even as I said it.

"I've got it!" I said. "I could, like, write an ad to put in the newspaper for a vote to be taken at Town Hall next Friday. We'll need preparations. Violet, you get permission from Nero to leave campus that day, and Isadora, Quigley and Sunny too. Quigley and Sunny, I'll give you money to buy about one-hundred fifty candy bars. Isadora, you'll be there to take votes, and Klaus, right now I need you to go online and find out the number of the newspaper."

Isadora was shocked. "Wow, Duncan," she said. "I never knew you had it in you." "Well I do," I said. Klaus nodded and said, "Violet, can I use your laptop?" She nodded and handed it to him.

I'm telling you, the guy types as fast as Carmelita can say cakesniffer. In seconds, he was at the website of the Daily Punctilio. "Er, don't use that publication," I said. "They always get everything wrong. Use the Daily Cheetah."

Don't ask me who came up with that name. But Klaus found it quickly, and used his cell phone to call. In the meantime, I was typing up the ad and printing it out. After reading it off over Klaus's phone, the woman said, "All right." Klaus was saying, "Yes, in next Monday's paper. Six dollars? I think we can manage that. No, no! Six dollars is perfectly fine."

Then he turned to me. "Where do you want it?" I thought a moment. "Probably not the Classifieds, because people might not pay it much attention there. Do you think it could be somewhere on the front page?"

"The front page?" Klaus asked. I nodded. "Ask." Klaus said, "Is it possible to be placed on the front page?" There was some more talking on the other end, and Klaus turned to me again. "For an extra fee of three dollars," he said.

I sighed. "All right." Klaus told the woman on the other end yes, and the woman must have said, "Okay, expect it there next Monday," because Klaus said, "Yes, thank you," and hung up.

If you're wondering what the ad said, here's what it said: _How many of you decent citizens would just _love _to see an innocent seventeen-year-old go to prison for being accused of black-marketing illegal drugs? How many of you are distressed by this and want to stop it before she is convicted? If you care enough, vote at Town Hall this Friday. First one-hundred fifty voters will receive a free candy bar! Hurry up and make your plans to vote at Town Hall this Friday to save Carmelita Spats from being convicted of a falsely accused crime. _**Written** **by Duncan Quagmire**.

"Great job," Violet said, smiling at me. Man, I wish she'd give me that same smile everyday. "Thanks," I said. "I hope it works."

"If it was thought up by a Quagmire, it'll definitely work," Quigley said. Isadora nodded, and all that I could think was, _If this doesn't work, I'll have to kill myself._


	18. Nero In Denial

It's really weird how time just flies by. It was already next week, the paper had come out, but the week itself was pretty long. When you want time to move by quickly, it slows.

Wednesday we had a quiz. It was on Ponce de Leon and his life. "This has to be the most random quiz we've ever had," Violet whispered.

"This is nothing," I said. "Once we had a test on who won the first Olympic Greek Sporting Event." "Are you kidding?" Violet said. I shook my head.

"Quiet, please," Mr. Lockerbie said, sporting a donut. He always does that before a quiz. I think it's just to make us hungry; to be aware of the fact that lunch was an hour away. "You have forty-five minutes. No notes, textbooks or external information. Cheating is prohibited."

"Do you think cheaters really care about that?" Ollie Westin said, a boy who sits in the back row. "Oliver, I am not amused," said Mr. Lockerbie. "Keep it up, and you'll have a one-way ticket to the office."

"Sorry, teach," Ollie said. "It's just; I forgot to study for this quiz. Especially since it was so _random_."

"Get quiet," Lockerbie growled. "We've been studying about Spanish expeditors all week. They're not the Lords of Dogtown."

"Yeah, and I'm glad they aren't," said Ollie, tipping back in his chair. "Could you imagine those stiffs on skateboards? They'd probably be like, '_Hey man, whut ees thees stupid little stick on whills? Back in Mexico, we had the bust stuff. It was a hoarse-drawn carriage._"

Everyone busted out laughing. But Lockerbie lost it. I'm serious; normally you'd imagine a guy that looks him sitting on a trash can, a banjo on his knee, strumming and singing 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia.' But he yelled at the tip of his lungs, "WESTIN! OFFICE! _NOWWW!"_

Ollie trembled, and then left. His chin was straddling his chest. "Begin!" Lockerbie roared.

One of the questions read, _Ponce de Leon was born in:_

_A: Spain B: Mexico C: America D: Antarctica_

I am not kidding. I mean, we're not the best-behaved class on earth, but we're not the dumbest! It's like Lockerbie switched bodies with a kindergarten teacher. Wait, no, that's not fair. Kindergarten teachers don't make their kids read Agatha Christie books, give book reports, take forty-five-minute quizzes, or even yell at them.

I was stuck on Question Thirty-One when I looked to my left and saw Violet whizzing through her test. In minutes, she was through.

At lunch, Quigley said, "Man, was that test retarded or what!" "Tell me about it," I said, scooping some mashed potatoes onto my plate. "I mean, Question Twenty-Seven said, 'What land did Ponce de Leon find? A: America B: Italy C: Mexico D: None of the above.'"

"Preparations," Isadora reminded me. "Preparations for the voting on Friday."

"Oh, yeah," I said. "Don't worry. I've got everything under control." Violet wiped her mouth with a napkin and said, "By the way, when we get the sixty billion dollars, what do we do with it?"

"You mean what we_ don't_ do with it," Klaus reminded her. "Our fortune Mom and Dad left behind is still in the bank, remember?"

"I mean, when we get it when we're eighteen," Violet said. "Any thoughts about college, people?" "Of course," Quigley said. "Let's all try and get into the same college, if possible."

"What about me?" Sunny said clearly. Everyone stared down at her for five minutes straight in shock, and then Klaus clapped a hand to his head. "Oh! I completely forgot! What _do _we do about Sunny? When we graduate, she'll still be in school here." "Let's see," Violet said. "When we graduate, she'll be about eight or nine. She can get some friends then. But for now she stays in Isadora and my room."

"So let's also try to use some of the money to send her to our college when she's old enough," I said. "We'll already have graduated and have jobs. But she'll still need an education."

"Enough about college for now," Isadora said. "Let's think about Friday. We'll need a banner. Like, a big one that says, 'Voting Here!' or 'Vote to Save Convicted Child Here!' Something like that."

"Leave it to me," Violet said. "I know where to find a banner, and I'll cover all that. But what's about the candy bars you were saying, Duncan?"

"We can say, the first one-hundred fifty people get a free candy bar," I offered. "I like that," she said, kneading a strand of hair between her forefinger and middle finger.

Then over the intercom, Nero announced, _"Duncan, Isadora and Quigley Quagmire, Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, report to the office immediately!"_

"I wonder what it's all about," Quigley said. I shrugged, and we all walked to the office. Ms. Benkley, the secretary, was typing on a typewriter.

Isn't it weird how secretaries always type on a typewriter? I'm not trying to be Jerry Seinfeld or anything here, but it's pretty scary. Then she received a call, and said, "M-hmm, they're here." Then she hung up and turned to us. "He's ready to see you now," she said.

We walked into his office and shut the door. Nero was parked in a big, comfy-looking chair, facing the window. Then he whirled in the seat to face us.

There was a newspaper in his hand. It looked like it was Monday's edition. "I hope he doesn't spank us," Klaus whispered to Isadora. She giggled.

"I would spank you if the school board granted me the permission I'd been begging for since my career started," Nero growled, slapping the newspaper down on the table. "I was reading the Monday's edition of the Daily Cheetah today, and I am NOT impressed with what I saw on the front page! Just answer this _one _question for me: WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?"

"First of all, why were you reading Monday's edition today?" Sunny sassed. Nero was not amused. "Oh really? You're wondering _why_, you scrawny shark-toothed little bag of bones?" he hollered.

"Don't talk about my sister like that," Klaus warned. "Aw, what are you gonna do orphan?" Nero taunted. Klaus was silent. "That's what I thought," Nero said. "It says the article was written by Duncan Quagmire."

I swallowed. He turned to me. "Is this true, Quagmire?" he said in an executioner-styled tone. "So what if it is? Are you going to vote against Carmelita?" I said. "Don't sass me, Quagmire!" he screeched.

Ms. Benkley came in, with a platter. There was a small tube of white pills, and a glass of water. "Nero, I've told you a million times," she said impatiently. "You must take your medication daily, as Dr. Burro indicated." Nero stood and cracked his arm across her grip. The platter went flying across the room, shattered the window, but he caught the tube of pills. He emptied the whole tube into his mouth, and then gasped for water.

He started licking the puddle off the floor, and when he was done, he went back to his desk, dialed a number, and said, "Is this Harrah's Metropolis in Vancouver, Canada? I want you to repair a window in Prufrock Preparatory School, in room 51, Principal's Office. Also, I wanna fried chicken dinner with gravy on the taters; I wanna new license plate, and a ticket to see Jerry Seinfeld live at Opryland down in Tennessee. Thanks and good luck selling those recently-shipped in Agatha Christie novels. That Hairless Pirate is hysterical!"

He hung up. Klaus said, "His name is Hercule Poirot, Agatha Christie wrote mystery novels a long time ago, Harrah's Metropolis is in Kentucky, and they don't cater food or repair windows, nor sell tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld live at Opryland in Nashville, Tennessee-" "And you need to shut up," Nero yelled.

"Duncan Quagmire, if you practice any more public demonstrations to un-convict Carmelita Spats, you are expelled." "But you didn't care earlier when we met with the lawyer," I protested. "Don't contradict me!" he roared. "And Baudelaire, sass me again and I'll give you a good crack in the jaw! Good day to you all!" "But-" I started. "I said GOOD DAY!" he screamed.

We hurried out of his office, and wondered what to do.


	19. Principal of Principles

I couldn't believe it. I mean, Quigley and Isadora and Violet and Klaus and Sunny couldn't believe it either, but I was the angriest.

As soon as we left the general office, I let out a yell and kicked the door with all my might. There was an inch-deep dent in it. "Dunn, it's okay," Izzy said, trying to console me.

"No it's not okay!" I shouted. "Sixty billion dollars and a chance to redeem ourselves-blown away because some pothead who doesn't understand the meaning of prescription medicine is a turn-around jackass!"

Sunny gasped. "What?" I said. "It means donkey!" "Oh," Sunny said. "Duncan, we know how you feel," Violet said. "We know you were really counting on this working. But you were the only one of us that even had the brains to think up the idea and had the guts to face Nero."

"She's right," Quigley said. "At least you stood up to the jerk! We should have backed you up." "It wouldn't have worked anyhow," I said, sitting in a chair. "The guy has a head filled with steel bars and lug nuts. The only thing beyond all that is a practically peanut-sized brain with a surrounding wall of stubbornness. Besides, he could have expelled us if he wanted. We wouldn't have had a chance. My idea never had a chance. I never had a chance."

I buried my face in my hands. Quigley put his arm on my shoulder and after a while said, "I think we should do it." I looked up at him. "Did you just say…?" "Yeah," he said. "I say we show that lip-smacking sucker whose boss."

"Yeah, right," Klaus said. "If you want to get expelled, go ahead. But this school is the only sanctuary we have. Same for you guys, too." "I don't know, Quigley," Violet said. "You should never try an insane man, especially when he has the power to expel us."

"No, look," Quigley said. "Carmelita's parents own Prufrock, right? We could call them and tell them Nero's trying to make sure Carmelita doesn't get out of jail. They could fire him!"

"Even so," Isadora said, "there's always a consequence to every action. Nero would be out to get us, one person at a time. He might even go by age, starting with Sunny…"

"Don't scare me!" Sunny said, backing away. "Sorry, Sunny," Isadora said. "But what I mean is, even if Nero is fired, Carmelita's stuck-up, right? So her parents probably wouldn't care one way or another about us. They wouldn't care about getting us back in. And we couldn't afford to be expelled, either. Heck, I doubt they'll even _give _us the sixty billion!"

"You never know," Quigley said. "But we can't take that gamble," Klaus said. "It's Carmelita or us. We have to make a decision here. Carmelita or us. What's your choice, Quigley? It's saving Carmelita…or saving ourselves."

Violet clapped her palm to her forehead and groaned. "Why does it have to be so complicated?" she griped. "Everywhere we go, we're surrounded by huge decisions. I see where you're coming from, Quigley, and I know it won't look good on Nero's record as VP of a fine academy to have a student convicted of alleged illegal drug use. But Nero doesn't care about that! He doesn't care if his record's clean as a whistle or dirty as a sewer; as long as he has a job."

"But the voting," Quigley said. "What about the voters who would be there on Friday? We don't know if there'll be one voter or one thousand voters. But we still have a heck of a lot of candy bars. Bribery…" "Don't count on it," I said. "Nero may be stupid, but he's not retarded, no matter how close to it he is. He won't take one or one-hundred fifty candy bars."

"Still, the voters," Quigley persisted. Then, Klaus clicked on the TV. It was the news. "I'm Ingrid North," said the newsperson. "We have breaking news. Several hundred citizens, disturbed by an article written in Monday's edition of the Daily Cheetah, stating that seventeen-year-old Carmelita Spats will be convicted of alleged illegal drug use unless several citizens vote at Town Hall this Friday. The article was written by Duncan Quagmire. The two Spats parents, Phoebe and Harlan, are alarmed of the situation."

"But I don't get it," Sunny said. "If they're so rich, why don't they pay the fine?" "Its _way _more serious than paying fines, Sunny," Violet said. "It's child conviction. This goes beyond juvenile detention." "Why?" Sunny asked.

Ingrid North continued, "Since they cannot pay the fine, their hope remains in Duncan Quagmire, and, if any of his comrades' hands."

Just then, my cell phone rang. I answered it. "Is this Duncan Quagmire?" said a feminine voice on the other end. "Who is this?" I asked. "I'm Phoebe Spats," said the woman. My mouth hung open. "I've heard of what you're planning to do," Mrs. Spats continued. "And I'm very proud that you, and if any of your friends, are concerned about my daughter. My husband Harlan and I just want to thank you."

"Well, Mrs. Spats, I have doubts I'll be able to pull it off," I said dismally. "What? How come?" Mrs. Spats asked. I sighed. "It's complicated. But bottom line is Nero Tyrannous, the Vice-Principal of the school I go to, Prufrock Prep, is forbidding me from doing so." I heard a groan on the other end, and a light, etched, "Harlan, Nero's the reason they can't do it." Then a gruff voice said, "Go figure."

Mrs. Spats' voice returned. "Well Duncan, Nero has been causing plenty of trouble lately. He's always been a troublemaker. Even though, as you probably know, we own the school, but are not permitted to fire him, for reasons I cannot say. We've tried countless times to, though. He just sort of slips through the cracks, you know what I mean? I do not know what to say, except…have you spoken to the principal?"

"You mean Nero?" I asked. "No, the REAL principal," Mrs. Spats said. "Oh, you may not know who…the principal is. But…" "But what?" I asked. "Who is the principal?"

"I can't tell you specifically," Mrs. Spats said. In the background, Harlan said something like, "Don't be too exact on his location…" Mrs. Spats continued, "But what I can tell you is where you can find him."

Things were sounding pretty good. But what wasn't was the sound of Isadora's asthmatic intensity building up. Everyone was crowded around me, trying to hear. She was stuck in the middle, and her asthma was building up.

I turned to her. "Izzy? Are you okay?" "Duncan?" Mrs. Spats' voice was getting urgent. "Are you still there?" Then Isadora fell to her knees and began violently ranting and raving. I dropped the cell phone and it switched off. Then I searched her pockets for her inhaler.

"Where's the inhaler?" Quigley screamed. Isadora couldn't talk. She was having a major meltdown. Literally. Then I tore her dresser apart, looking for it. "In the mirror," she wheezed with heavy difficulty.

She has a trick mirror where behind it she stores her personal things. I forgot how to work it, so I smashed the mirror with my hand and grabbed the inhaler. I inserted it into her mouth and puffed the thing like crazy.

Air flowed into her lungs, and she began to cough heavily. After the coughing fit, she said, "What's going on? What happened?" "You were having an asthma attack," Klaus said. "Duncan found the inhaler."

"I'm glad you knew how to work the trick mirror," Isadora said. "I don't know what would've happened if you didn't know. You'd probably break the mirror or something." She started to laugh, and I said, "Um, yeah. Well, Mrs. Spats was saying that Nero's always been a troublemaker, and that I should see the real principal."

"There's a real principal?" Sunny asked. "Sure," Violet said. "All schools, even ones that have vice-principals; have to have an official principal, Sunny. So what then, Duncan?"

"She was going to tell me where I could find the real principal when Izzy had her asthma attack," I said. "I dropped the phone, and it must've switched off." "So you can't call them back?" Klaus asked.

I shrugged. "Probably not. I don't have their number. And I should have gotten it."

Quigley said, "Well, I just got an idea."

"What's that?" Klaus said. "We ask Nero about the real principal," Quigley said.

"Come on, Quig," I said. "If we ask about the real principal, Nero-Zero will know we're just trying to get the principal's permission. And the principal would probably say yes."

"What really surprises me is that we haven't heard anything about the real principal up until now," Isadora said.

"Do you think it's a he or she?" Klaus asked.

Violet shrugged. "That wouldn't probably matter."

Sunny said, "Well, what do you think would happen if we just went on with the preparations, as if Nero had said nothing?"

"We get expelled," Klaus said ironically. "I see what you mean, Sunny, but face it. Nero's just the wrong man with the wrong job with the wrong power-"

"With the wrong brain," Sunny said. "But think about it. How come he's said nothing about getting permission from the real principal when we first asked him?"

That got us all stumped. We'd never really thought about it.

"That's because he obviously knows something we don't," Sunny stated. "I mean, if the real principal said yes, Nero would have to say yes, right?"

"I guess," Isadora said. "Yeah," Quigley said. "You're right on track, Sunny! But the only missing piece of the puzzle is: who is the principal and where can we find him or her?"

"I'll ask around," Violet said. "I'll help you," Isadora said. "I'll ask Andrew and Brownley what they know, anything that went in their left ear and forgot to go out the right," I said. "Maybe I can get a kick out of one of the office workers," said Quigley. "I think I'll go with you," Sunny said.

I headed back to my dorm, unlocked the door, and saw Andrew and Brownley watching The Grudge. When I opened the door, they jumped several off their chairs.

"Christ, Duncan!" Andrew exclaimed. "You scared us half to death!" "If you're so scared, why are you watching that?" I asked. "It was the only horror movie besides Boogeyman we could find that wasn't R-rated and didn't cost a heck of a lot of money," Brownley explained.

"Where do you get these movies, anyway?" I asked. Andrew looked at me. "That's classified information." "The man sells 'em cheap," Brownley said.

"You idiot!" Andrew exclaimed. Brownley clapped a hand over his mouth. "What?" I said. "Who's the man?"

"None your business," Andrew said quickly. "Watch the movie or go away." I grabbed him up by the collar and slammed him up against the wall. "Tell me or you'll eat that disc," I warned.

"Hey, it's only getting to the good part!" Brownley said. I ignored him and said, "You better tell me or-"

"The _man _is the principal!" Andrew cried. Wait a second. Was I hearing right? But it made no sense. Why would the principal sell DVDs? But at least I now knew the principal was a man.

"Who is the principal?" I demanded. "I…shouldn't say," Andrew said, looking away.

I grabbed hold of his throat and started to squeeze. "Say it," I ordered. "I hear DVD discs coated in chocolate taste quite good."

"If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone else," Andrew said resentfully. I nodded. "Go on. Who is it?"

Andrew whispered a name in my ear. I was completely shocked at what I heard.

"Andrew, stop joking," I warned. "Now tell me who it really is or I'll squeeze the life out of you."

"Who did he say?" Brownley asked.

I repeated the name. Brownley nodded. "It's true, Duncan, I swear it is," he said. "Just put him down. He's telling the truth."

I let him go, and he fell to the floor, banging his head on the wall. I stuffed the key in my pocket and said, "If it comes out that you two are lying, I'll give you the worst treatment you'll ever experience."

Then I left. The only thought on my mind was, why him, of all people?

**Okay you guys, I'm keeping the principal's identity a secret, until the last chapter, which is coming soon. I know I promised the story to end back in May, but I have summer reading projects, blast the person that came up with summer reading! But I'll break my own commitment. I will slowly update each of my stories, starting with In Between the Walls. I just don't want to lose my fans.**


	20. Say Who?

I ran all the way back to Violet and Izzy's dorm, where Quigley and Sunny also were.

"Man, I never knew we had such insane neighbors," Violet said. "Cora-the girl down the hall-told us to go spit in a sewer, and serve it in a martini."

"Yolanda, the girl to the right of us, said the day she learns anything important is the day Popeye the Sailor Man smokes a cigarette," Izzy informed us.

"Ms. Benkley the secretary said that Nero is on medication and oughta stop feeding us stupid ideas," Quigley said.

"Ms. Belloque basically said the same thing as Yolanda, Isadora," Sunny said. "Except she used a different analogy. She said the day she learns anything is the day Nero reads a requisition form before he signs it."

We all laughed, and Violet said, "What'd you hear, Duncan?"

"I never thought Andrew and Brownley actually had brains," I said, "until the day I asked, until today. You won't believe who the principal is."

I told them. They were all shocked.

Klaus put a hand to his mouth. "It-it is," he started. "I should have known-"

"Oh my Lord," Isadora said. "I mean, if there's a principal, why _him_, of all of them?"

"Gosh," Quigley said. "That's more absurd than Nero himself being the principal."

"You're telling me," Klaus said. "I met some kid, Ollie Westin, and he told me the principal is _au moi_, which I didn't believe for half a second."

"That's only part of it," I informed them. "But you guys have been to my dorm before. You know how Andrew and Brownley have so many movies?"

They all nodded. "You'd think they were looters or something," Isadora said.

"Well, _he's _the one who sells them to them," I said bluntly.

"You're kidding?" Quigley said. I shook my head.

"Well, what really gets me is, why didn't we think of it before?" Klaus said.

"Because it was extremely unobvious," Violet told him.

"What do we do, though?" Isadora asked. "They didn't tell you where to find the man-I mean; we'd know where to find him any day, but a principal-y place."

"I could go squeeze it out of them," I said, starting for the door.

Violet grabbed my shoulder. "Wait," she said, a smile forming on her face. "I know exactly where we can find him," she said.

**Yes, I'm not giving away the identity, not even in clues. Now I'm updating Josephine's Justice. Then probably Misfeelings and another. Enjoy! **


	21. Mister Principal

The next day, as most kids were headed off to the cafeteria for lunch, we all had a plan.

As the _man _walked by, the janitor's closet's door was opened. I dove at him and tackled him inside.

Violet, Quigley, Klaus, Isadora and Sunny were inside.

Quigley shut the door. "All right, _Mr. Principal_, we want some answers."

"Hey, what's the big idea?" exclaimed. "What answers are you talking about? I'm no principal."

"Yes you are," I said. "You're all lunatics," said. "Let me go. I have a date with a fettuccini alfredo."

reached for the door, but I grabbed him by the collar and whirled him to face us. "Don't play games, we're not in the mood," I growled. "We know you're the principal; don't try to deny it."

's face grew pale, and then crumbled into a scowl. "Did Brownley Black and Andrew Winkle tell you?" "That matters not," Klaus said. "Now tell us."

started laughing hysterically. I don't know if he had lost his mind, or if he was trying to attract a bystander to pull him out.

I thumped him in the chest. He fell backwards and smacked into the wall. Isadora grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. "First of all, we want to know how you became the principal, why you sell DVDs, and third, we want permission to hold the voting to get Carmelita Spats out of conviction tomorrow."

"Ask VP Nero," said. "Now let me go."

"He said no," Violet said. "We want _your _permission, not his." "What's good for the goose is good for the gander," said. "In other words, what he says is good enough for me."

"You're the _principal_, man!" Quigley cried. "We want answers and we want them now!"

(I'll refer to them as the man) said, "Okay, okay. I sell DVDs because a guy who works for Blockbuster gets 'em for me cheap. I'm paying myself. I'm not paid as principal. Also, I pay my own tuition." (The man is not an adult, whom you may have figured out by now)

"Is that all you want to know?" the man asked. "More," I said. "We want your permission, and then talk to Nero. He's on medication, you know why?" I remembered the day he emptied the entire tube into his mouth and went crazy.

The man threw his head back and laughed. "Duncan, those aren't medicinal pills," he said. "They're sugar tablets. He never visited a doctor, not a real one anyway. He went to a candy shop _disguised _as a clinic."

"But can we have your permission?" Sunny asked. The man thought for a moment. "I can give you written permission," he said. "Under one condition."

"We can give you part of the reward money," Quigley offered.

"Anything. Name it," Violet said.

"How big again is the reward money?"

"Sixty billion dollars," Isadora said. The man let out a long, million-dollar whistle.

"You're serious?" he said. "I mean, I knew the Spats' were rich, but I never figured they'd want to give you that much reward money."

"So?" Klaus said. "Well, I know the Spats personally, so I may get a bit of money," the man said, "but I'm short a bit. My folks kicked me out of the house years ago, so I enrolled myself here. I get billed at the address of 938 Bonham Court and there're these guys."

He glanced around before finishing. "They're always demanding rent money, they're the landlords. And I've forgot to pay the last bill, they're going to bolt. Without a home address-I made up fake parents-I can't be enrolled back at Prufrock. Ever."

We didn't know what to say. Isadora said, "This is very confusing. You're the principal, _and _a student. How does all that work?"

"Huh?" the man said.

"I think she means, how did you become the principal, if you're already a student?" I said.

"Oh," the man said. "Well, here's how it worked. I met the Spats' one day, and I told them of my situation, and they agreed to hire me in secret; meaning that no one, even Nero, should know about it. That's why when you guys asked other people, they didn't know."

"So what about the landlords?" Violet asked.

"This past month, I heard plans about them going to boot me," the man said. "If you guys loan me money, I can pay the bill and they'll get off my back. Sheppard, a.k.a. Shep the Sheepdog, as I call him, is threatening me with incredibly high demands. He and his wife are only a married couple, no kids. No money, no permission."

He walked out of the closet.


	22. Shep the Sheepdog

When the day had ended, he didn't go to his dorm. Instead, he made sure no one was following him, and started taking the sidewalk all the way to his address.

We put a tail on the guy, and followed him all the way to the duplex on the end of Bonham Court.

We hid behind an array of shrubs, and watched him ring the doorbell.

A tall, bulky German man with a heavy mustache answered it.

"You again!" he yelled. "Pay the rent money now, or you can kiss your residency here goodbye!"

"Calm down, Shep," the man said. "I'm just here to pick up a few things."

A woman came to the door. "Sheppard, let him in," she said, giving the man a scornful look. "Even if he doesn't have the rent money now, he'll have it soon."

She bent forward into the man's face. "_Very _soon," she growled. The man backed away, but went inside.

"Quickly!" Violet cried. "To that tall oak tree."

"What for?" I said. "So we can see inside," she told me.

We scurried over to it, and started to climb up to the highest limb. There was a window, and a bedroom.

The man walked inside, apparently it was his. He picked p some letter.

Then he said, "Shep." Then he tore the thing up, like there was no tomorrow.

"Jeez," Quigley said. "No wonder he's so articulate. He has a bad life already."

"Yeah, and the voting's tomorrow," Isadora reminded him. "We better go inside and tell him it's a deal."

"But how much of the reward money would he take?" Klaus asked.

"We don't know, but I have a feeling he won't be able to take any money if we don't call it deals with him," Violet said. "Come on."

I was sitting farthest on the edge of the limb, and Klaus was stretching his leg when he accidentally kicked me off.

I plummeted about fifteen feet to the ground. I landed on my back and yelped in pain.

"Oh, sorry Duncan!" Klaus called. "You okay?"

"_Yes_, Klaus!" I screamed. "You kick me off a tree fifteen feet, I land on my back and you wonder if I'm okay? I've practically got a dent in my back, my spine's practically jostling, and my whole body's sore! If you're wondering if I'm _okay_, I AM JUST FINE, KLAUS BAUDELAIRE!"

The German man flung open the door and hollered, "What is the racket out here?"

He looked at me. "Who are you?" he said. "Uh, a visitor for ," I said.

The man, Shep, I guess, said, "Fine. Come in."

He told me where the man's room was, and I bounded up the stairs.

The man was reading a magazine. He peered up at me. "Duncan? Do we have a deal or what?" I nodded.

"Good," he said. "These German hounds are driving me crazy."

"Do we have your permission?" I asked.

He said, "Sorry, but I can't get it to you today. It'll have to be tomorrow."

"What?" I cried. "It _has _to be today! It has to!"

"I'm sorry," he said. "But I can't give it to you today. End of discussion."

I grabbed him by the collar and yanked him up to meet me face-to-face. "Today," I growled. "Right now or I beat the snot outta you."

"Okay, okay!" he cried. "Let me write it down."

He wrote down a permission note with blue ink, and handed it to me. "Don't forget _your _half of the deal," he said.


	23. Operation: Nero Knockout

We ran all the way back to campus, and found Nero coming across the lawn to his special dorm, briefcase in hand.

"Yeah, what do you want?" he snapped. "This better not be about the dumb voting permission."

"We have permission from the principal," I said. "The _real _principal." I handed him the note signed by the man.

For a while, Nero said nothing. Then he threw his head back and laughed. I don't know what was so funny, but something wasn't looking so good.

"What the heck is so funny?" Isadora said.

"YOU!" Nero cried. He crumpled the note and pressed it to my chest. "You stupid kids, just because you get permission from the principal doesn't mean you have _my _permission!"

"He's your boss, retard," Quigley said. "You have to do as he says. You may not realize this, but he can fire you."

Nero grabbed Quigley by the collar and lifted him off the ground. "Punk, he never _instructed _me anything! He said NOTHING about what I have to do! Now shut up and get out of my sight."

He tossed Quigley to the ground like an old rag doll. "Don't touch my brother," I warned Nero. "Or else."

"_Or else!_" Nero poked me in the chest. "What're you going to do, Quagmire? You gonna make me, huh? You gonna make me?"

I started to make fists. The guy was only a few inches taller than me. Barely two or three.

Isadora grabbed my shoulder and said, "Forget it Duncan, he's not worth it."

Nero said, "That's right, Quagmire. Get back. Now you get in your dorms. I'd hate to have to suspend you."

Everyone else took a step back. I stood my ground.

"Are you trying to challenge me, Quagmire?" Nero yelled. "I said _beat it! All of you! NOW!"_

"We want our permission," I said through clenched teeth.

For a while Nero was still. Then his fist shot out and whopped me across the face. I fell backwards and Isadora caught me.

"You'll pay for that, Nero," she snarled. "Brutality to students. Defiance to employer. You're nothing but a filthy piece of garbage. If I were principal, I'd chase you off campus with a machete."

"Is that a threat, Quagmire!" he yelled. I rehabilitated myself and said, "What if we go ahead, huh? What'll happen if we go to Town Hall tomorrow?"

"You'll be expelled," Nero growled. "All of you. Even the six-year-old. You have five seconds to get before I write your expulsion forms right now."

He pulled out a small booklet from his briefcase and waved it in front of our eyes. We fled.

We met back at Violet and Isadora's dorm.

"Are you okay, Duncan?" Violet asked. Everyone looked at the cut on my face. "It still kind of hurts, especially from the ring on Nero's finger," I said, "but it'll be fine. If I had a sniper-rifle, I'd put it to good use."

We all laughed. "You mean one of those bomb-blasters," Violet said. "Bomb-blasters, shmomb-blasters," Klaus said. "What _you _would need are Akimbo5-10s. Nero would be torn apart in seconds."

"Let's not get off subject," Isadora said. "If we don't go tomorrow, we don't get the sixty billion."

"And if we do go, we get expelled," Sunny stated. "Right," Isadora agreed. "I really didn't want it to have to come to it, but we'll have to resort to plan X."

"What?" Klaus said. "We never had a Plan A, let alone B through W. What're you talking about, Izzy?"

"Plan X," Isadora said. "Or, as I prefer to call it, Operation: Nero Knockout."

"Let me guess," I said. "We're supposed to knock Nero out, sneak off to Town Hall, and then come back when he wakes up?"

"Partially," Isadora said. "I have plenty of sleeping pills. Tomorrow morning, here's what we do: we go to Nero's office. We apologize for being such a burden the day before, and when he's not looking, we drop the sleeping pill into his coffee mug. We wait until he drinks every last drop, then return to class."

"Okay, okay, I get it," Klaus said. "But there's two parts missing: we need his permission to go, and coffee is a caffeine stimulant. It'll keep him awake."

"Trust me, Klaus," Isadora said. "It's a really powerful pill. Once, I read about a man who swallowed one, and he slept until the afternoon-the next day! And here's the rest of the plot: once he's asleep, we take his hand and sign the note. The pill's fast-acting, too. Duncan, you still have the note?"

I pulled it out of my pocket. "Good," she said. "Then we show it to our teacher, and we get there. We take a taxi there."

"But the banner," Violet started. "We'll manage," Isadora said. "The voting's what's going to matter. So is Operation: Nero Knockout unanimous?"

We all sat, staring at the floor. "Come on!" Isadora said. "You guys were the ones complaining as much as I have. You can't back out now. Think of all we've been through."

Everyone sat, glued to their seats. Then, as if by magic, I stood, and said, "I'm in." Then Quigley stood, and said, "So am I. Even if it's only the Quagmires who show the world even a taunting menace doesn't deserve to be wrongly convicted, this deed will be done, whether you Baudelaires will be in on it or not."

Violet said, "Okay, I'll be in on it." "I will, too," Sunny said, rising.

Klaus was just twittling his thumbs. Violet elbowed him. "What?" he said.

"Stand up!" she said. "You're in on it, too."

He reluctantly stood. "Okay, I'll do it, too," he said.

We all put our hands in the center, and Isadora said, "Operation: Nero Knockout is officially on!"


	24. Shootout at Town Hall

The next day, we got permission from our first-period teacher, Mrs. Hildebrandt, to go see VP Nero.

We walked right on into his office. As far as I knew, the sleeping pill was in Izzy's pocket.

We parked ourselves in chairs. Nero glared at us. "I know what you're about to say," he said crossly. "The answer is still _no_."

"We know," Isadora said. "We just wanted to apologize for our immature behavior yesterday afternoon. We're very sorry, Vice-Principal Nero."

"Sure we are," Klaus mumbled. Nero stared at him. "What was that, Baudelaire?"

"I said, we sure are, VP Nero," he said. Isadora looked at his coffee mug. "Your mug's empty. How's 'bout I go filling it up for you?"

"Oh, you don't have to do that," Nero said. "I was just heading over there."

"Nonsense!" Izzy's voice was urgent, but maybe a little too urgent. I didn't know, but something told me he was getting a bit suspicious.

Izzy took his mug and went outside. I heard the sound of pouring, and she came back into the room.

She handed the mug to Nero, grinning widely. Nero looked down at the dark coffee, and then at Isadora, who tossed him a couple packets of Splenda. "In case you want it sweet," she told him.

Nero kept looking at her, then at the coffee, and started laughing.

Quigley looked at him. "What's so funny, sir?" he asked.

"You kids!" he chuckled wildly. "You're putting a sleeping pill in my coffee, so I drink it and black out! Then you just go on to Town Hall!"

He reached his hand broadly into the coffee, and brought out a small pill. It wasn't so white anymore.

"I have to admit, though," he said. "You kids are pretty good. I mean, I myself, even _I _might not have thought of that! You kids get back to class! Was this some kind of joke to make me laugh? Well, we'll see whose laughing. I'll call in the secretary as soon as I finish my coffee."

Quigley, Violet, Klaus, Sunny and I groaned. Isadora looked natural.

Nero put his lips to the mug and started chugging the coffee down.

I stared at Isadora. "Our plan just blew," I exclaimed. "And you don't even look sad!"

She shrugged and kept smiling, watching Nero chug down the coffee.

When he was done, he staggered upward. "Wh-what's going on?" he panicked. "Wh-what happened? I'm getting weaker and tired-oh no!"

"Now!" Izzy cried. For some reason, Quigley and I knew to jump up and knock Nero out. He fell back into his chair, his arms hanging to the sides of his chair.

We all stared at Isadora. "What'd you do?" we asked. "He took the sleeping pill out!"

"I put _two _sleeping pills in," she said triumphantly. "I figured he'd probably find one, so why not have an extra just in case?"

"Am I glad you thought of that!" Klaus said. We used Nero's hand to sign the note, and on the way out, Violet said, "Wait! What if an office attendant comes into his office? She'll just find him asleep."

"I have an idea," Quigley said. He took a pair of dark sunglasses out of his pocket, and set them on Nero's nose. He pushed them up to cover his eyes.

Then he took a sticky-note off Nero's desk and wrote, _I'm going for the record of staring into space longest. Don't bother me for ANYTHING!_

We all read it. "Interesting," Isadora said, after five minutes. "Well, we better hurry. It's ten o' three and I ordered for a taxi to wait for us outside campus at ten. C'mon!"

We showed the note to the secretary; she nodded, and agreed to call our teachers to notify them.

We sprinted to the taxi and the driver said, "You're five minutes late. You the kids holding the voting at Town Hall?"

"Yes," Isadora said. "We told you that's where we're going, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," the driver said. "Don't sass me. Hurry up and get in."

We piled in, and after we arrived at Town Hall, Violet nudged Klaus and Isadora nudged me at the exact same time.

"What?" Klaus and I said in unison.

"Pay the driver!" they said simultaneously.

"It's Quigley's turn," Klaus and I said at the same time.

"Okay, gang up on me," Quigley said, scooting towards the window.

"One o' ya'll better pay or I'm takin' you all back!" the driver screeched.

"All right, I'll pay," Klaus said. He paid the driver and we got out.

After going up the steps we went inside. There was a huge crowd of people, for a reason I knew not of.

"Hey, what's going on?" I shouted. "Why are there a lot of people here?"

"Where're the people holding the voting?" a chubby man asked.

I was shocked. "You're _all _voters?" I cried.

"Yes," they all said simultaneously.

"All right," Quigley said. "We'll have a good day."

It took six to eight hours. Approximately seven hundred people voted.

When they were all done, I said, "Violet, Isadora, what are the results?"

With microphones, provided by the news crews present, they announced, "The scores have been added up. The vote of: no, Carmelita goes to prison-three-hundred thirty."

We were all silent. It was the big finale we'd been waiting for all along.

In fact, and I swear this is true, I saw Carmelita, standing, guarded by two policemen. She was bound in shackles, though there was a look of hope in her eyes; as if she could snap the chains like rubber bands.

"The vote of yes-Carmelita is freed-four-hundred fifty-seven!"

Everyone cheered, and Carmelita started jumping up and down. The news crews got set up, and started announcing the joyous news.

Then, Harlan and Edna Spats ran in. They ordered the police to un-handcuff her.

Then, the main door slammed open.

Guess who should be standing there but Vice-Principal Nero.

He barged over to us and yelled, "WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO COME, HUH? WHO?"

"Calm down, Nero," Harlan Spats said. "They had the right intentions."

"Shut up, Spats!" Nero yelled. "They knocked me out with a powerful sleeping pill, used my own hand to sign a paper, and set it up so no one would wake me up!"

He turned back to me. "Who's idea was it first of all, to hold voting?" He poked Violet. "Was it you?"

He poked Klaus. "How 'bout you? Or you? Or you?"

He then switched to Sunny, Isadora, and Quigley.

"It was you, wasn't it?" he yelled. He snatched Quigley up.

"Put him down, Nero!" a security guard yelled.

"I won't listen to you! I won't!" Nero shouted. He pulled out a revolver and aimed it at the security guards, who were reaching for their guns.

"Boys, leave 'em right where they are!" he screamed. Then he aimed the revolver at Quigley. "Was it you?" he screamed. "WAS IT YOU!"

Quigley said nothing. He was too terrified. His eyes were bulging out of his head.

Nero whacked Quigley in the head with the barrel and Quigley fell to the ground. He aimed at him. "WAS IT YOU?"

His fingers were wrapped tightly around the trigger. I couldn't tell him it was me, but I couldn't let him kill Quigley. It was Quigley or I.

All the time it had been Carmelita or us, as he had said. But now things were different. Things weren't just about Carmelita anymore. It was saving Quigley…or saving myself.

Then I grabbed Nero's hand. "IT WAS ALL MY IDEA, OKAY? IT WAS MY IDEA! TOUCH ANY OF THEM AND ALL THE BULLETS IN THAT GUN WON'T STOP ME FROM RIPPING THAT BIG HEAD OFF YOUR SHOULDERS!"

He switched targets to me. "Duncan, get out of the way!" Violet cried. Isadora yelled, "Police! SHOOT HIM!"

No one moved. Then there was the sound of a gun clicking. Carmelita's.

Apparently she had taken a gun from a police officer and aimed it at Nero.

"Don't even try it, Nero," she warned. "You shoot him and I'll shoot you. I don't care how many years I'll stay in prison; you ruined my life. And you know what, people? Guess who gave me the bag of gray-colored powdered sugar, hmm? Anyone want to guess? You got it. Nero."

Everyone gasped. "So we wrongly imprisoned an innocent minor?" a police officer asked. "This won't look good on my record."

Carmelita continued, "I'd never seen cocaine before, so I didn't know what it was. But Nero told me it was powdered sugar that was a bit gray."

"Shut up, Carmelita," Nero warned.

"I had done some errands for him, and he said it was a reward," she said, as if she hadn't heard Nero. "I think the whole time; he'd gotten it somewhere and planned to get rid of it."

"I'm warning you, Carmelita Jacqueline Spats," Nero said impatiently. "One more word, and I'll put a bullet in your front."

"Carmelita," Edna Spats said reluctantly. "Don't speak. He has a gun."

"So does me," Carmelita said bravely. "I'll shout to the world that Nero Tyrannous is the cause of my imprisonment-"

Then, Nero whirled. "DUCK!" Harlan Spats yelled. Everyone ducked but Carmelita.

She was bulleted right in the torso. She fell back, a hole in her shirt.

"CARMELITA!" The Spats parents cried out in unison.

That fired me up. I'm not kidding. I was fuming; steam was coming out my ears.

Others persuaded me not to, but I leapt and grabbed onto Nero. I wrapped my arm tightly around his throat and he bit down on my arm.

I yelped and started punching his chest. Then I began to kick his knees and shins. What I didn't notice was the revolver making its way up to me. Then I was blasted in the arm. I fell off of him and lay in a heap. My sleeve was covered in blood.

Violet and Isadora screamed. Klaus and Quigley yelled curses at Nero. Sunny started crying.

Everyone turned their attention to me. The last thing I saw was a very blurry image of Violet Baudelaire bent over me, crying.

**Pretty violent chapter, huh? Well, I promise no one dies. I promise.**


	25. Finale of Quigley's Quest

When I came to, I was in the hospital.

A hot nurse, who didn't look very much older than me was walking in. "Hey," I croaked. "Which room is Carmelita Spats in?"

The nurse looked at a clipboard. "Room 301," she said. "You're in Room 300. But you have you have to stay in here for the time being."

I nodded. "Did the bullet come out?"

"Yes," she said. "Yours and Ms. Spats'. We have your bullet right here."

I thought a moment. "I don't know why, but can I have it?"

The nurse laughed. "Do you keep a gun?" she asked.

I shook my head. "No, but I was kind of going to…keep it on a chain, like Tom Sawyer did at the end of Huckleberry Finn."

The nurse smiled. "You've read it? So have I. Do you know how he was shot?"

"He was shot loosely by the man he, Huck and Huck's slave-friend were after," I said.

"Is your name Duncan?" she said. I nodded.

"I'm Jenny," she said. "I'm 19. How old are you?"

I told her. "So I'm only about three years older than you," she said. I nodded.

I noticed I was staring at her, so I asked, "Wait. You're 19 and you're a nurse?"

She nodded. "I started medical school last year, and I did exceedingly well, so they promoted me," she said.

Man, I'd become a doctor if I didn't have to spend so many years in school! But if I could end up working _here_, well…

"Do you go to Prufrock Prep?" she asked. I nodded.

After a long conversation, she checked me out, and said, "Well Duncan, I'd say you'll be out of here in about two days."

"Seriously?" I said. She nodded.

After she left, Violet, Quigley, Klaus, Sunny and Isadora walked in.

"Are you okay?" Violet asked me. I nodded. "Never better. And look…"

I showed them the black, lead bullet.

"I'd think you'd want to get rid of that," Sunny said. I shrugged. "I just wanted to keep it. Especially in Huckleberry Finn…"

After all of them-well, all of them but Klaus-made weird glances, I said, "Never mind. Well, how's school coming along? Did Nero get fired? I hope so."

"Fired?" Klaus exclaimed. "He's _dead._"

I bolted up. "Really?" I asked.

Isadora nodded. "After he shot you, Carmelita still had five more seconds of consciousness. Guess what she did?"

"She put an end to Nero," Quigley finished.

"He should have seen it coming," Klaus said. "Those police officers were the biggest babies ever-even after Nero switched targets, they wouldn't draw! I mean, they totally outnumbered him-"

Violet interrupted him. "Anyway…where were you shot?"

I held up my arm. It was stabilized by a contraption attached to the bed. Sunny said, "Can I look at it?"

"Sure," I said. "Just be careful." She looked where the wrapping was clipped together, and said, "Did it hurt when they took the bullet out?"

"They put him to sleep, Sunny," said Klaus. "I thought it was Violet's turn to correct her."

"I've been doing it since…ever," Violet said.

"How long was _ever_?" Klaus asked. "As long as I'm going to bury you in the dirt if you don't shut up," Violet said.

"Hey, hey, take it outside," I joked. "We're going to go grab a bite," Isadora said. "You want us to bring you back something?"

"I'm not that hungry," I said. They shrugged, and after the rest of them went, Quigley stayed.

"Hey," he said. "You didn't have to take that bullet for me-you could have stayed back."

I sat up and said, "Quigley, before they died, Mom and Dad told me that as oldest of the family, it was my job to make sure you and Izzy stay alive, no matter what. And I've been doing that. If none of us stay alive, there's no chance the Quagmire Family can multiply. Even if it means I die."

Quigley looked worried. "Don't worry," I said. "I won't die anytime soon. There's a hot nurse here, see, and I think I really like her. If it's right for me, I'm willing to go the mile that leads to her heart."

"But I thought you loved Violet," he said.

"I thought I did, Quigley," I said. "But, we're just friends. Who knows, this nurse named Jenny, we might go out sometime or something. Nobody knows. You can hang onto Violet if you like. But I'm maturing, see, and the time I've been lying in this bed, I've been thinking: what would be to happen if I die anytime soon? I can't just hang onto things I imagine; I have to make them happen. This nurse, she's not too much older than me, and, I don't know. But I think she might like me, and I think I like her. So I have to take a chance, Quigley. Life is limited; you can't spend it being cramped up in a dorm in a serious academy. Remember all the times we snuck off campus, we actually put Operation: Nero Knockout into action, and I took a bullet to the arm. I never gambled before, Quigley, but I took a gamble when I revealed that I was the one with the plan the whole time to Nero."

He had tears in his eyes. "You better go, Quigley," I said. "And check on Ollie Westin. Tell him I'd like to sort out the reward money with _Mr. Principal _when I get out of here."

"I'll do that," Quigley said. With that, he left.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I finally got out of the hospital, Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Quigley and Isadora were there to greet me. We were on our way out when I saw Jenny.

"You guys go ahead," I said. "I'll be there in a second."

They nodded and headed to the taxi.

I walked over to her. "So, this is it," she said. I nodded. "Um, Jenny, I was thinking…maybe we could, I don't know…catch a movie sometime, like this weekend?"

"Sure, that'd be great," she said. "So, how's Saturday? Have any plans for then?"

I turned and looked at the other five, who were waving for me to come on. "That sounds perfect," I said. "See you then."

She smiled. "I usually don't date boys younger than me, but you're a nice guy, Duncan." She kissed me and left.

I walked back to the taxi, doing handsprings.

**You probably didn't think it would end like this. You might think this last chapter had a lot of flaws, but that's the end of Quigley's Quest. I hope you liked it. And I'm changing the title and the concept of the last part of the trilogy to Duncan's Drama. I thought about Izzy's Irritation, and it didn't sound that good. Duncan's Drama is serious; more serious than this or Baudelaires Bullied. There will be some funny parts, like all stories/movies. But this'll be a serious drama. I've had my funny side with this and some other of my stories. But I think I'm ready to start a SERIOUS story. I promise I'll update better than I did _this_, though.**


End file.
